“When taking a spin down Downloadable Content Boulevard, one must always be prepared,” says my Cuban, Tom Selleck-looking guide as he inserts a Wikipedia-filled clip into his Metacritic 9mm. “Information is power,” he adds. The hombre’s serious, so like any good boy I tighten my ragged seat belt an extra inch, hoping lost circulation yields increased personal safety. “We’ve gone from yellow to blue!” chimes the mini homeland security agent implanted in the Bush-era part of my psyche.

I never thought trying to make a score would be this terrifying.It’s still daylight, but my cohort claims to know this side of town, so even after 30 minutes of fruitless searching, I remain positive.“Here we go,” he announces. As we get closer to our target, my anxiety subsides. These are the Consumables. The dirtiest of the dirty from the boulevard’s early days. Even their former pimp refuses to acknowledge their existence; so they remain Ronin of the night, with all the allure of G.I. Joe knockoffs in the rubble of a bombed-out dollar store. We pull away, low in our seats, staring down the road and hoping these aberrations can’t tell we were once interested. Taking a left on Marketplace Lane, we suddenly find ourselves hemmed in by an oceanic throng of Chromehounds, Ace Combat 6, and Forza members. They’re all modestly appealing, but I know better…maybe from learning the hard way, maybe no. In order to get the full experience I’d have to pay extra.“Sorry,” I whisper into the maelstrom of offers, again and again, while hurling fistfuls of mint early ’89’s pogs out the window . The scent of of free vintage nerdbait throws the crowd into a frenzy, which gives Hugo (the name on his busness card, anyway) just enough open space to break free and lay rubber till the mob is well behind us. We continue our quest.

“How about over there!” I exclaim, pointing wildly at an exquisitely designed building with a dilapidated door. The legend “Elder Scrolls” is etched on every window. “It’s a good place,” he says. “But it was even better two years ago.”Once again, he drives. Finally feeling a little distraught. I take a swig of Vanilla Coke, glance out the window, and spot this incredibly hot, green and black-haired lass staring at me from the side of the road . Awestruck, I pop the door, roll out of the moving vehicle and make my way toward the beauty. My driver follows, murmuring “no!” and “it’s not what you think.” I sidle up to her like a nine year-old with an apple for teacher and say “What’s available?” It takes her less than half a nanosecond to lose my love, when she rattles off “weapon unlocks for 300 Microsoft Points.” What a joke! This woman has no idea who she’s dealing with.“I also have these” she says, flashing an absolutely gorgeous pair, er set, uh, well, two, and Vegas-new…Soul Calibur IV characters.I’m sold, but don’t say it.“They’re from the Star Wars universe,“ she says, obviously thinking I’d just blown in from Pluto and didn’t know poo about Earthling culture. “Oh, really?” I say, trying to sound detached. Absolutely no way am I going to let on how much I’d pay for those goods. “Five dollars for Yoda on the PlayStation 3 and the same for Darth Vader on the 360,” she says . Yep, the lady knows. The whole situation feels shady. A fiver apiece seems like a lot for characters who may or may not already be on the disc. By walking away I’d be making a statement, but my 360 would be Lord of the Sith-less and the Joneses would have one up on me. “Go grab a bite and a nap or whatever,” I signal to my new friend. “I’ll page you when I’m close to wrapping.”

This decision is going to take awhile.

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