My Superficial homepage – a browser confessional.

Every time someone asks to use my computer I get a little nervous. I want to say no, but my Midwestern programming desires the opposite. The internal struggle for verbal superiority causes me to unwittingly initiate a silent pause in the dialog. It’s an awkward, and quiet, social situation. Panicking, I typically dance around the question. “I uh…umm…am defragmenting my hard drive right now and no one can use it for another hour or so.” If he or she didn’t take the bait I’m forced to oblige with an answer. Word poo seeps out. “Grrrrrmmmmmf,” I say, or something similarly embarrassing. Somehow, I eventually communicate “no.”

Please don’t think of me as an inconsiderate villain. I have my reasons for acting so charmingly selfish. Some reasonable, some not.

Daily virus and adware scans keep my machine (almost) squeaky clean. I’m a careful Windows power user who scans for viruses every morning and researches every process in the task manager. Believe it or not, I find this type of regular maintenance enjoyable and fun. But others aren’t so careful. Who knows to what end an unsuspecting guest could damage my custom-built Frankenstein and its whirring gizmos? “Do they even know what not to click when browsing? Do they know the pop-up disguised as a virus scan isn’t actually a virus scan? Do they even know how to use multiple tabs?!” Instead of discovering the results to these questions, I employ the Gregory House theory that states “people are idiots” and allow nary a soul on my PC. I make a living using this hardware and a solid internet connection. I’m not letting anyone mess that up, even if it means revealing my geek elitism.

And mess it up they have. I like to leave open multiple instant messenger windows, browsers, word documents, and sometimes a game client or two. Back when I was a typical ignorant teenager and I’d let let people use my PC, some or all of these applications would be noticeably absent upon my return. A friend once told me “your PC is like your journal.” So from that point of view, these invited guests ripped and burned still-fresh pages from my digital journal.

But exceptions do surface. If a candidate manages to leap over the technical hurdle, and are given the go ahead to browse at their leisure, they’re in for a little surprise. My home page on all three browsers is celebrity ego deconstruction headquarters theSuperficial.com.

From the site’s “About” page:

“The Superficial is a brutally honest look at society and its obsession with the superficial. It is not satire. It is not social commentary. It is the voice of our society at its worst. It is first impressions without sense of social obligation. It is the truth of our generation. It is ugly racism. It is jealousy. It is honest.

Just kidding. Our goal is to make fun of as many people as possible.”

I don’t care about (most of) the celebrities. And I don’t visit the site to oggle the pretty ladies in bikinis. My actions are purely sociological in nature. Honest. Well, okay. Most of the time…

Unlike Kate Hudson’s character Penny Lane in Almost Famous, I don’t think famous people are more interesting than us normal citizens who can’t afford a new Ferrari Enzo each year. Denizens of the entertainment industry just receive greater media attention than most people, making it easier to snoop and criticize without any sort of repercussions.

Betrayal, weight-loss, weight-gain, and cheating make the lives of these tabloid stars far more interesting than the big budget movies and television shows in which they appear (Brad and Angelina notwithstanding). This goes quadruple for Hills star Heidi Montag. I don’t care about her shows, even I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here which tossed her and hubby Spencer Pratt in a potentially life-threatening jungle, but I can’t wait to see the next article she headlines on the Superficial. No matter if Heidi tries her hand at charity work (hah!), releases another ear-shattering single, or endorses political figures, the site’s mysterious writer locks, loads, and riddles the news with the wittiest commentary in the celeb gossip ring. He’s merciless, self-deprecating, and probably underpaid. The self-obsessed Perez Hilton shares none of these qualities.

I don’t devote hours each week to reading the Superficial’s news(?) or the obscene(ly awesome) comments. I don’t have the time. And I just don’t care that much. The site’s not trying to keep me engaged for extended periods of time anyway. 200 word posts are few and far between, with most following a “jump in, punch them in the face, and get the eff out approach.” It’s exactly what I want in a homepage I don’t visit very often. Davidhasselhoff.com sometimes steps in to relieve the celeb site when I download a new browser or update an old one, but old habits die hard and the Superficial inevitably returns. Poor Hoff.